


What is he to you?

by RosaKei



Series: Hanji and Mikasa [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, F/M, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Mentions of Eremika and Levihan, Platonic relationship between Mikasa and Hange, and then their (slowly) growing friendship / mutual understanding., basically exploring Mikasa's and Hange's own separate bonds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-14 19:00:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28550505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RosaKei/pseuds/RosaKei
Summary: "What am I to you?" were words that still bothered Mikasa Ackerman till this day.After witnessing her Captain's little gesture to her Commander, Hanji Zoe, Mikasa found herself recalling a few moments between the two she had once seen, and envied. Bonds… they were utterly confusing, but undeniably beautiful too.Before Mikasa knew it, she found herself unintentionally interrogating Hanji with a simple yet torturous question: What is he to you?The desire to understand was certainly frightening.
Relationships: Hange Zoë & Mikasa Ackerman, Levi/Hange Zoë, Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager
Series: Hanji and Mikasa [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1697302
Comments: 11
Kudos: 176





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a continuation from my other fanfic, "Pain, Pills and No Peace". It's somewhat of a series (?) about PLATONIC Hanji and Mikasa. In this fanfiction however, it'll also be about the bonds they have with other people. (Mikasa and Eren, Levi and Hanji). It will also contain some references from "Pain, Pills and No Peace", though you don't necessarily have to read it to understand the events occurring here.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Shingeki no Kyojin / Attack on Titan nor its characters.**

* * *

Don't get her wrong, Mikasa had an undeniable natural meticulousness that took the spotlight whenever it came to slicing the nape of an abnormal's neck cleanly, successfully. It didn't matter if her target was moving like a goddamn drunkard that had the stamina and speed close to humanity's strongest. Her strength, aim and precision never wavered nor cowered. Her movements were fluid, rapid. Her victims barely ever escaped unscathed.

And when it came to kitchen duty, the way she'd slice vegetables and meat—if it was a special occasion—had the same amount of meticulousness and precision. Sasha said so, and that much was a huge compliment.

 _But,_ when it came to what she was doing now, she faltered and hesitated in fear of any accidents that'd lead her to _break_ things apart instead of taking them apart as she was instructed to do. There was a difference between breaking and taking things apart, and while Mikasa could differentiate that in her thoughts, her actions _screamed_ otherwise.

So what made her personally volunteer herself to be Hanji's lab assistant this late in the tiresome night, when she knew piecing mechanical things together and proving scientific hypothesis to be true or false wasn't her strongest suit?

Simple.

When Hanji had asked Levi's current squad for a volunteer to assist her in her late-night lab activities, she noticed quite many pairs of eyes finding their way to Armin. The obvious choice. For he had a curious heart and intelligence that rivaled everyone's in the room combined. He was the perfect fit for the role Hanji was requesting.

However, he had a look that told Mikasa the discomfort he felt, paired along with the uncertainty of being the chosen one in this circumstance— and that raised an immense amount of concern in Mikasa's heart.

Because even though he had said nothing, even though he didn't verbally object, she already knew. She already knew the reason why he didn't immediately step forward, arm raised enthusiastically as he volunteered himself. And it wasn't because Hanji Zoe was famous for her madness when it came to experiments.

That day, when he finally came to on the wall, when he was informed of the price the Survey Corps—no, the _world_ had to pay for giving him a second chance of life, he felt sick to the core. Nauseated. Anxiousness overwhelmed him when he had found out that in order to have him live again, they had forgone Erwin's life. The commander; now, the previous and late commander. At that time, he had thought that now he had to replaced him—a man that he believed he could never be on an equal level with. A man that he believed—and maybe _still_ believed—should've lived instead of him.

While almost everyone offered him comforting and assuring looks, Hanji had agreed.

She had agreed that no one could replace Erwin, and that she didn't necessarily agree with the choice. And Mikasa nor anyone could say anything, really. To each their own, after all.

In a way, it was the brutally honest truth. No one could replace Erwin. Something Hanji still believed because despite having the title of a Commander passed down to her, something felt missing and incomplete. Like the last and crucial piece of the puzzle, lost forever.

For Armin, to be alone with someone who had openly admitted that she believed that Levi's choice on the next chosen shifter wasn't necessarily right would be excruciatingly awkward (they hadn't exactly cleared the air, and Armin always felt this tension between them, coupled along with this heavy expectation that made it all too hard to breath sometimes. But it wasn't her expectation alone that made him feel that way).

Not to mention, he had been extremely weary and mentally drained not just from regular training but from other experiments he was obligated to take part in as the wielder of the Colossal Titan's power. He was restless for most nights; something he only confided in with Mikasa when she confronted him about it before.

However, he was a mature man who knew that no wasn't the time to whine and complain and avoid situations that required his skills. He had a responsibility. Besides, it was too late to regret and mourn the past. He couldn't turn back time. Right now, they had to charge straight ahead.

He took a deep breath, about to step forward when Mikasa suddenly intervened.

"I will do it." She said, calmly. Armin looked at her wide-eyed, and it didn't take a genius to know she only volunteered for the sake of him. Her protective nature seemed to have gotten the best of her. He parted his lips, about to interject. While he was thankful for Mikasa's display of care for him, he knew he couldn't run away from his problems forever. That wasn't what he was in the Survey Corps for. But Hanji, who was surprised at the woman who stepped forward but still welcomed her either way, had already appointed her the position of her temporary assistant.

Mikasa knew the basics, she knew how to work with the gear. She knew how to make full use of it. Rarely would she ever find herself encountering an issue with the 3-Dimensional maneuverer gear in the battlefield unless she lost her cool; but even then, that only happened once or twice, as far as she could recall.

She knew how to refill the air-tanks, fix the minor parts of the gear should it ever get jammed or broken; after all this was all covered during her first few lessons upon her enrolment in the military.

To help re-design the entire 3-D maneuver gear and equipment however, was not something she had learnt nor was she familiar with. She was just thankful that somehow, she hadn't broken nor made any mistakes.

"Do you think," Hanji said as she scooted over to Mikasa, laying out a sketch of the concept she had crafted in her imagination and now in ink regarding the new design. "If we shift the air tanks here-" She gestured to a specific spot of the image, "-it'll grant us greater agility and allow us to propel ourselves better?"

Mikasa tore her eyes away from the old 3-D maneuver gear that Hanji had tasked her to dissemble, fixating itself on the drawing Hanji had just sketched. She was impressed by the detail of her drawing, and while she could barely make out her handwriting she could more or less understand her idea.

"I think," Mikasa tried picturing herself in the new gear Hanji conceptualized. Would she be able to soar high up, freely and easily? Or will she crash and burn? "It is a viable option… but the air tanks might need more power… and we have to see if others are able to adjust."

"You're right." Hanji nodded, but the way she answered was rather matter-of-factly, as if she already knew the answer. And Mikasa felt a little bad, because the look in Hanji's eye after she gave her opinion appeared ravenous, as if she wanted more answers; or at least an answer that she didn't already know at the back of her head. She didn't just want her opinion, but a suggestion. Something that Mikasa couldn't give, at least not in the spur of the moment.

She shouldn't have let her protectiveness stop Armin. But after everything that happened… Eren's abandonment… the disasters yet to come, she couldn't help it, especially when she saw the blonde looking so unsure. She felt a need to save him, to help him. It was only now did she realize she wasn't exactly helping him, or anyone at all. _This_ wasn't her strong suit. _This_ wasn't her place to shine. But it was too late, literally. Everyone was probably asleep, resting for tomorrow where they'd embark on another series of vigorous training that Levi had put them on; one that she was excused from fully partaking albeit it only applied for the morning session.

At the very least, Mikasa hoped Armin could at least get a good night's rest that night. From what he had shared with her, he hadn't gotten one at all with all the titan experiments he had to undergo. She made a mental note to check on him later after this was done.

"Are you feeling better anyway, Mikasa?" Hanji queried, "While your eyebags have yet to clear, I heard from Levi that you're doing quite well in the intense training he has made you undergo, that your performance is steady and well." Mikasa casted a brief glance towards her, to see that her Commander sat beside her before sketching a new draft.

"Yeah." The memory of Hanji gripping her hand _forcefully_ before she could've ingested those pills was ingrained and etched forever in her mind. Even having lost of one her eyes and a part of her vision, it didn't lessen the effect the fierceness and ferociousness that her remaining eye had on her, that look practically was burning a hole in her skin.

" _Are you tired, Mikasa?"_ She had asked back then. And yes, she was. Why else would she attempt to seek solace from those pills that could've provided her only with a temporary relief and paradise…? Temporary. She just wanted to sleep. She wanted her insomnia to dissolve so her eyelids could finally shut for at least four hours without having bloody, ugly nightmares that'd scare her back awake.

After that incident, Mikasa sought other, less risky means to regain some control in her life during these uncertain periods, painful periods as the man she once treasured so closely… the man she just wanted to be by his side, now seemed to have his head and ideals and dreams corrupted while he still… _still_ charged ahead without a second thought, towards the freedom he wanted and desired.

She did regret the vulnerability she showed, that had slipped during that incident with Hanji. She was a private person after all, whose heart and internal emotional affairs ever exposed and unveiled themselves to people she extremely trusted. Hanji—a mere stranger, acquaintance and fellow comrade who she would trust in battle, wasn't someone she trusted to see the weak side of hers. It was a weak side that she just wanted to diminish, ignore and erase its existence.

But what happened, happened. She couldn't change that. Things were fortunately not awkward between them, they acted as per normal… although, every now and then she would catch her glimpsing at her, one of concern and curiosity; to see if she was doing well.

"Sorry," She apologized once again, even though it was clear both of them had moved past that incident that was kept secret between the two. "I didn't mean to create more trouble for you, that time—"

Light footsteps echoing down the staircase caught Mikasa's attention as she halted mid-way in her words. Who could it be, this late?

Hanji seemed to wonder the same thing, having looked up from her drawing, wearing a wondering look that soon dissolved into something… happy, and cheerful. Excited even.

Mikasa didn't understand why. Was she psychic, or something? Did she know the owner of those light footsteps that headed their way? Or why the strong scent of something resembling tea (and something of her past; though Mikasa didn't dwell on it too much) now diffused itself into the lab? Mikasa, even with her ability to pick up the littlest and smallest of detail, could barely make out the shadow since the figure was still a few steps far. And yet Hanji was there, next to her, wearing a knowing look, glimmering with a sudden burst of energy which was a contrast to her earlier solemn mood. But why?

A few seconds passed, and Mikasa finally understood why when the shadow took its shape, as the man took a step into her lab carrying a single cup of what she guessed was hot cup of tea meant for Hanji.

Levi. It was Levi, who made his way towards Hanji, without batting an eye to Mikasa or even acknowledging her presence. (She wasn't offended by it, she didn't care what that shortass thought of her really.)

"Oi, shitty glasses." Mikasa always wondered why Hanji settled for that nickname, but perhaps there was just a tinge of intimacy in his tone that she would never be able to identify because the relationship she had with her Captain could never be as deep or meaningful as the bond he shared with Hanji. "Here." He said a little curtly, before placing the cup of tea down next to Hanji.

Hanji gleamed and her expression noticeably brightened before a smug look came into place. "Soft-tie." She dragged out the two syllabuses, her tone was teasing. "You didn't have to." She was grateful for this kind gesture of Levi's and anyone could tell that. Yet his next remark was equally as _'sweet'_ as the nickname he gifted her. "Shut up." He didn't smile, nor did he show any flustered expressions that one would normally have upon being teased. If anything, his stoic and grumpy expression was unwavering… _almost_ unwavering.

Hanji's eyes shifted to the cup, lifting it up carefully before taking a sip of the tea he brewed. Levi's eyes softened, and Mikasa suddenly felt like she was intruding on something private and personal.

She knew for a fact the way he showed his care and concern for someone was different from most. He was subtle, but it didn't mean the meaning behind his subtle actions and gifts were anything trivial. Hanji seemed to know this. Why else was she so ecstatic upon receiving a simple cup of tea? It wasn't like she was an avid tea fan, right?

Although admittedly, seeing her captain's eyes soften, his lips almost cracking into a smile was strange to her. She had grown too accustomed to his usual monotonous and stoic look; and it wasn't as if this private man would ever be vulnerable around her. She had only ever seen him visibly soften up once or twice… though, for one reason or another the softness he had now differed from those before.

The next thing she knew was that he caught her stare, and returned it with a glare after a fleeting shocked look passed, one that told Mikasa he was caught off guard by her 'intrusion' (even if she had been there the whole time). Either way, it seemed like he finally noticed her presence.

"Tch." He clicked his tongue, and while Mikasa did enjoy seeing the shortass agitated from time-to-time, she did feel a little bad this time round.

With the uncertain future ahead, there was only so much time one could spend with another. Keeping that in mind, as well as her having unintentionally intruded and interrupted a precious moment her two superiors briefly shared; she could understand his agitation.

She expected for him to turn and leave immediately because it wasn't as if he could continue this precious moment with Hanji; not when she was around. Mikasa wouldn't mind leaving, but she still had a job to complete.

Instead, his glared diminished and returned to a stare that he shot Mikasa, his eyes narrowing. _Why is he looking at me like that?_ Mikasa frowned, though before she could even ask him about it, he already left.

 _Weird._ She thought, _But to be fair, I was looking at_ them _too…_

Was it envy she felt when she looked at them?

For better or worse, Mikasa had always been observant. While Armin shared the same trait, it differed to some extent. She tended to notice the little things between people. The bonds they shared. And ever since that man left and was at the peak of his damned, cursed recklessness, she found herself noticing a little too much; whether it be intentional or not. The bonds others shared. How Connie wasn't always all goofy, there were small but meaningful gestures he made to Sasha and Jean during this stressful period of time. How Jean and Armin had recently exchanged more looks of comfort and assurance. How…

Did she start observing them more because she lost hers? Yes, she had other strong bonds with other treasured people. But they were all different and unique. It could never replace what _he_ gave her.

Was that why she couldn't look away?

 _What am I to you?_ — Even after all everything they had been through, she couldn't answer a simple question like that when he asked. _Damn it all._

She watched Hanji wave a goodbye to Levi's abrupt exit, her smile remaining before she placed the cup back down, looking at it tenderly as if she was reflecting back on something.

Mikasa wasn't blind to their interaction, to their bond. That day when she entered Hanji's office and was met with an instant despondent look, she knew exactly why.

Because she was _not_ the Ackerman she wanted to see.

 _What a unique, close bond they share..._ Mikasa couldn't help but think. _Even back then… seems like that shortass…_

* * *

" _HARH?!_ What do ya mean we can't capture another titan for experimenting?!" Hanji exclaimed incredulously. Despite having Eren, a titan shifter in flesh and blood at her disposition, she was still ravenous for more. For more titans to conduct experiments, to compare the normal, abnormal and shifter types all at one go. Or maybe, it was just to fill the hole punctured in her heart ever since Sawney's and Bean's passing.

At that time, Mikasa was at the horse stable cleaning; it had been her shift. And while she lived on the countryside and had led somewhat of a farm life when her parents were still alive, she never once dealt with horses. Not until she enlisted herself in the military.

Being the only one on shift that day, she expected for the day to go by quietly and peacefully as she brushed the horses' mane, clean their bodies before sweeping their waste away. _Oh, how wrong she was._ How Hanji and Levi ended up precisely in this location, bickering and bickering was beyond Mikasa's comprehension.

She tried to ignore them, but to no avail. Hanji's vehement and loud protests bothered even the horses who huffed and neighed as if they were beckoning for her to shut up. It was an amusing sight for Mikasa to say the least. She couldn't blame the poor animals though, not when they just came back from tiring missions or an exhaustive expedition not too long ago. Even animals needed peace and quiet.

"Come on, Levi! Pleasseee! Help me convince Erwin?" Mikasa watched her purposefully give the captain a puppy-eyed pleading look, her palms pressing against one another, desperately begging him. "It will mean the world to me!" She said this as if it'd push Levi into accepting.

"The world will be doomed to shit if you bring even more titans into the corps." He snapped at her, "You already have that brat and all your shitty analysis of Sneeze and Pissin'."

"SAWNEY. SAW-NEY. AND BEAN. B-E-A-N! How can you not remember them?" She corrected dramatically, disappointment evident in her tone.

 _The horses look even more annoyed…_ Mikasa noted, brushing the dark mane of one of them in a soothing manner. She would've interrupted them, but she decided to hold onto her patience (for now) since they didn't seem like they were going to stay around the stables for too long.

"Stop yelling." Levi groaned, and for once Mikasa agreed with the shortass. "You're bothering the horses."

"Then why did you bring me here in the first place to discuss this?" She countered.

"I didn't. I told you _'no'_ a shit ton of times and your constipated brain couldn't take that as an answer so you followed me here." _Why didn't he stop her from following then?_ Mikasa pondered. Despite Hanji's eccentric attitude, she was sure she knew when enough was enough, right? And knowing how stern Levi can be, he had his limits too, right?

"Leevviii… pleasseee?" She droned, exaggerating each and every syllable in her plead; along with her chestnut-colored eyes that looked right at him, perhaps a little mischievously, to draw out… guilt?

To her dismay, Levi remained firm.

Though, Mikasa noticed that for a fleeting moment, he had flinched when Hanji had shot him that look. And perhaps that would have been the catalyst for Levi to give in had he not have humanity's interest in mind.

"We already have another titan, that brat aside." Levi scoffed.

"Huh? What do you-…wait… OH MY GOODNESS LEVI!" She gasped, eyes brimming with elatedness as she spun around, looking for the other titan he had mentioned. She assumed was a gift from Levi after all that pestering begging.

Mikasa was sure that if the horses weren't in their respective stables, at least half of them would've kicked Hanji given the noise she was making. Not to mention, Mikasa could've sworn the horse she was currently glooming was glaring at them. "DON'T TELL ME YOU WENT AHEAD AN—"

What cut her off was a strong—but careful—pull of her hair, with Levi turning her attention back to him. "I'm looking at one abnormal, right now."

Mikasa's eyes narrowed, unsure if that was her Captain's (lame) attempt at humor. She couldn't tell from that stone-faced expression, at most she could pick up some amusement in his tone, along with some shifts in his facial features to express an emotion she couldn't decipher; not that she bothered.

However, when she noticed Hanji's cheeks reddening slightly, she suddenly felt that she was the intruder… to this moment they shared. Whether that redness was due to embarrassment or something else, Mikasa didn't know. Not now, and maybe not ever.

Although before she could look away to spare them a moment of privacy, she watched as Levi's hand abruptly departed from her hair, accompanied by an evident look of revolt.

"When… was the last time you washed that greasy, shitty hair?" He hissed, lowly.

"Ahh… about that—"

And then Hanji ran off, squealing something about spreading absurd rumors about him if he planned on making her take a bath again. Levi chased after her, stubborn in his pursuit, refusing to relent despite that threat.

 _What an… odd bond._ Mikasa couldn't help but think, before she carried on with her chores upon seeing that the horses were now more at ease.

* * *

In the present, Mikasa found herself sighing at that memory. _What a bizarre experience…_ She thought.

 _Although, despite that disgusted and angered look he had…_ She reflected, _There wasn't a single thread of resentment._

Then, she thought back to Eren.

A frown started to surface.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wondering if she has the answer she seek, after everything she had seen blossom between them, an interrogation ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT Note: This is a continuation from my other fanfic, "Pain, Pills and No Peace". It's somewhat of a series (?) about PLATONIC Hanji and Mikasa. In this fanfiction however, it'll also be about the bonds they have with other people. (Mikasa and Eren, Levi and Hanji). It will also contain some references from "Pain, Pills and No Peace", though you don't necessarily have to read it to understand the events occurring here.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Shingeki no Kyojin / Attack on Titan nor its characters.**

* * *

Who would have known that out of all places in the Survey Corps, Mikasa would've witnessed a couple of sweet moments between her superiors from the kitchen?

Mikasa's specialty was slicing meat, there was no doubt about that. Though, she could chop vegetables quite well too.

That day, she was on dinner duty. Carrots, cucumbers and radishes—all chopped evenly, accurately. They were all identical in shape. You wouldn't be able to tell one from the other.

Not too long after, with a ladle in hand, she was about to move on to prepare the soup, until her pair of onyx eyes took a glimpse towards the area where the weary soldiers were to soon dine, with her mind proceeding to wonder if anyone had already gathered as the clock's hands inched closer to dinner time. There were a few superiors standing here and there, and there was one in particular she knew, sitting alone, his hand gripping the cup of what she assumed was tea in his signature peculiar way, drinking it down slowly.

_He always sits away from the crowd… until…_

Mikasa shook her head, it wasn't the best time to ponder too much on that shortass and his quiet social life. That was the least of her concerns. Besides, she had more urgent matters to deal with. In a couple of minutes or so, a herd of starved and maybe even crazed cadets would swarm in ravenously for their meals, with high hopes of being served top-notch quality meat since they believed they deserved it after all the blood, sweat and tears they put in their trainings and expeditions.

Unfortunately, those high hopes were to be crushed. Again. When will they ever learn?

Well whatever the case, Mikasa had a soup to finish.

Although, before she could turn away, a loud and overly enthusiastic " _YA-HO!_ " reverberated around the dining area. If it weren't for the fact that this was a regular occurrence, perhaps Mikasa would've mistaken that for the loud yelps of _that_ soldier, who would often be the first one to stampede into the room, tray and everything ready along with her high hopes to be crushed by Mikasa's sliced vegetables and soup. _'Mikasaaaa! I know you have meat, you're just hiding it!'_ —She could already hear her roommate's accusatory whines. And as usual, she had already prepped a retort to go along with her dishes.

While that "YA-HO" was abrupt and frighteningly loud to startle the other soldier who was on duty with her, the man who sat alone didn't even flinch. It was clear he had long been adapted to her oddities.

The next thing she knew, he was no longer alone.

It was none other than her other superior, Hanji Zoe, who popped by Levi's side with that same bright and mischievous grin. And without a greeting or warning, she sat herself comfortably next to him, starting to blabber something about her experiments, titans and then… mint…?

And other bunch of things that even her sharp ears couldn't decipher. It was like she had invented a whole new language that only a few could understand. A few like _him_.

Levi's previous solemn expression soon morphed into a momentary irritation, before settling down into something… Mikasa couldn't find a perfect word for it, though she did more or less recognize that look. It was a look that spoke, _'Ah, I'm not alone now.'_

She knew that warm feeling all too well… and she knew it just as well as the bitter, cold feeling of complete loneliness. It was awful. It was like a sickness that no medicine could cure, it was one that only a companion could.

"I wonder why he lets her do that." Mikasa snapped out from her thoughts when she heard the other soldier on duty with her speak. "I heard that Captain Levi is scary and takes no shits… yet, he lets her do that, for the most part at least." He scoffed. "Maybe she has a higher rank than him and that's why…"

 _No._ Mikasa thought, her grip on the ladle tightening. _It's… not that._

It's more than that.

But alas, Mikasa didn't have time to ponder. She had to finish making the soup.

* * *

"Ahhhhh! Are you sure there's _NO_ meat on the damned menu today?!" To Mikasa's amazing luck, her and her roommate were both on duty that day. It wasn't that Mikasa minded her presence at all, but her groans and complains on the other hand could be a little too much… especially when she had been answering that same question for the past eleven times as her roommate scrambled around the kitchen, desperately searching for her salvation.

"No, Sasha." Mikasa shook her head, tying an apron around herself before she grabbed a peeler, and then a potato soon after. She wondered if this was what being an older sibling was like, since Sasha had the cheekiness of a younger, rascal-like sibling. Whereas Mikasa on the other hand, was the responsible one who had to put her in place every now and then.

There was one time where Mikasa had to put _him_ into his place too when he had let his anger get the best of him, unintentionally hurting Armin's feelings. Out of the three, it was safe to say she was definitely more responsible than at least one of out of the three.

Yet it was strange, how she never once viewed _him_ as a younger sibling like Sasha. And while she called him family, something didn't sit quite right.

He _was_ family, but _not_ family.

… She didn't quite understand it herself.

_She just wished she had understood it sooner._

"…Now, get back to work… you don't want to be punished again, right?" Mikasa continued, shooing away those confusing thoughts before they could've given her a headache, or worse, before _those voices…_

Sasha flinched as memories of the unsettling past flashed before her eyes, of her having to run god knows how many rounds _without_ dinner. Without a single crumb of bread or drip of water (other than her sweat…yikes.) Now, that was as terrifying as titans in Sahsa's mind.

"Y-Yes… ma'am…" Sasha resigned and then walked over to her station in utter defeat to boil the broccoli.

While Mikasa understood how scrumptious meat can be, the way it would just melt in your mouth if it was cooked right and at the perfect temperature, the way its flavour just sinks in deep and deeper… she didn't understand how someone could be _that_ obsessed with it. Not to mention, even when meat was served (albeit, it was the cheap and tough type in little quantities), Sasha wasn't satisfied. Mikasa didn't bother asking what sort of meat would satisfy her, she didn't wish to hear a verbal thesis about meat.

"I just… wished they'd spend their budget on a little more meat ya' know Mika?! We do a lot of—" Before Sasha could finish her complaint, she tensed, and as if on instinct, hid behind Mikasa. A frightened look emerged, afraid that whatever or _whoever_ was coming might've heard her outraged speech and series of complaints.

Sometimes Mikasa couldn't tell if Sasha was human, or an animal given her on-point instincts and absurd cravings.

"Sasha," Mikasa's tone grew stern. Even if a superior was coming, there was no reason to cower. They weren't training or anything, nor were they doing anything wrong… unless Sasha snuck meat in; though Mikasa was sure she had checked her thoroughly to ensure that wouldn't be the case. "If you—"

Mikasa's chide was interrupted when _he_ entered the kitchen.

"Are you slacking?" It was a question, not a reprimand. Though to Sasha, it felt like a threat.

"N-No sir!" Sasha squeaked, giving one last tight grip onto Mikasa before she scrambled elsewhere to make herself appear busy and on task. Mikasa only sighed, as she watched Sasha stumble back to her station. She resembled a baby duckling who had just hatched, waddling about uneasily. It was amusing, to say the least.

She had heard the girl was once punished for complaining too much about the lack of exquisite meat by Shadis, who just so happened to be checking on the soldiers on duty that day. Honestly, Mikasa didn't know whether to feel pity, or just be completely done with Sasha's antics. She couldn't always be the mother duck to save her in her case.

Despite not saluting him upon his entrance, Levi moved past them, as if he was in somewhat of a rush; as if he remembered he had to be somewhere important very soon. He opened a few cabinets, in search for something.

Mikasa went back to peeling potatoes, not at all uneasy with his presence… at first. She just hoped that he'd leave soon, because from the corner of her eye, Sasha was practically smashing the carrots rather than chopping them—was she that terrified of this shortass's presence?

This strange scenario aside, Mikasa was already moving onto her sixth potato to peel, though her mind had started to drift off elsewhere… to her mother.

While her father hunted, she and her mother would tend to the farm. They had grown so many things together, and potatoes was one of them. Her mother would teach her how to peel them off swiftly and easily, she would teach her the safest way to wield a knife so she wouldn't get hurt in the process—for cutting fruits and vegetables, of course. It was such a shame that she hadn't been old enough to learn all her mother's recipes.

The things Mikasa would give to go back to that serene life were immeasurable.

The things Mikasa would _sacrifice_ to eradicate all the evil and titans alike that dared threatened the peace she wanted so badly for her loved ones were unimaginable.

A familiar scent interrupted her thoughts. She snapped her head upwards, away from the half-peeled potato and towards Sasha's direction, who was still brutally slaughtering the carrots. And then she turned a little more, to see that he was still there, staring at jars of tea leaves that the higher-ups gave them when they requested for meat. To say the least, the substitution didn't make Sasha happy, much less contented at all. (In Sasha's honest opinion, that couldn't be considered a substitution at all!)

He appeared troubled, and dare Mikasa say indecisive.

Mikasa didn't understand what was with his inability to decide, it was as if he got sucked into another world from the way he looked. And from the looks of it, he was struggling between choosing which of the two different types of tea leaves he found to make.

 _Ah that's right_ , Mikasa thought back. _We grew tea leaves and flowers too… and we'd brew some of them for father when he was str—_

"M-Mikasa…" Sasha stuttered, limping her way towards the raven, carrying a bowl of mush. "I…I'm done making mashed potatoes…"

It took exactly three seconds for Mikasa to process what Sasha—who was carrying a bowl of orange 'potatoes'—said. In the first place, mashed potatoes weren't on the menu that day. Then, it took her another three seconds to find the root of the problem.

Not wanting to put more than a hundred soldier's stomach into jeopardy, she made her way to Levi who still couldn't make a decision. If it were anyone else, they probably wouldn't have understood why choosing which tea to brew appeared to be almost like a life-or-death situation for him

However, it was Mikasa. She could be sensitive to these sorts of things. And taking everything in account, like what she had witnessed from the kitchen all those times, she could've guessed the root of _his_ problem. It was an inkling that she was almost sure to be a fact, about why it took so long for him to decide; why he was that immersed in something as trivial tea, why he wavered between those two different types of tea leaves, which had their respective health benefits and properties.

"Mix them both." She suggested, although it sounded more of a threat, wanting him to get out. Definitely, her sensitivity had its limits—she didn't want his indecision which caused Sasha to be in a frenzy to be another possible root problem for any soldiers' stomach later on (she didn't wish to be the reason for anyone's stomach aches or wore, food poisioning). "And then add that, and that." She added on, pointing to other ingredients on the shelves. "Once you're done, please leave. Your presence is a distraction." Mikasa mentioned, motioning to Sasha who was trembling in the corner, she didn't like the tension between those two. She didn't want to be caught in a crossfire, nor did she want to receive a punishment from him due to Mikasa's curtness. The last thing she wanted was to run ten rounds without food… again. _The horror._

Levi frowned, displeased and offended by Mikasa's rudeness. "Oi—"

"My mother used to make that for my father whenever he had a stressful day." Mikasa interrupted, sharing a vague fragment from her past, albeit a little reluctantly. She just wanted him to leave, the clock was ticking and the last thing she wanted was an angry herd cursing at them impatiently, demanding for their meal that would probably be done quicker and more properly in his absence.

The silence in the room grew to be palpable despite it only being less than a minute since Mikasa worded out her advice. She watched as Sasha's terrified expression simmer into genuine surprise after what Mikasa shared.

She watched as Levi's eyes widen briefly in almost the same surprise that Sasha had, before instantly settling back down to those grouchy eyes of his.

Was it that hard to believe that Mikasa could be nice, even to him?

"Watch your tone, brat." Was the first thing Levi said after adjusting himself. Despite his clear disapproval he had of the way Mikasa requested him to leave, he had taken her advice. He grabbed a bit of this and that as per Mikasa's instructions, and then left without looking back. And to Sasha's relief, not issuing any punishments. Perhaps that was his own way of saying 'Thank You'.

 _Finally…_ Mikasa thought, sighing in relief. _The carrots won't have to suffer anym—_

"Oi… Mikasa," Sasha called out, "…Since when were you so buddy-buddy with captain?"

Mikasa's irked expression said it all, accompanied with a glare and displeasured look at the mere idea of being _'buddy-buddy'_ with him. Sure, after some incidents and encounters, she started to respect him as her Captain, even if she would make some jabs here and there (like being the only courageous one to call him a shortass). However, the idea of being 'buddy-buddy' was…

In an instant, Sasha took back her words and swerved at least five feet away from the raven, holding a ladle up with her trembling hand in defense, her eyes frantically looking around for a pot to act as her shield. Evidently, she feared the wrath of Mikasa. Her specialty was slicing meat after all… and Sasha desired _not_ to be on the menu.

Not wanting to create yet another distraction away from their current task at hand, Mikasa took a deep breath and offered a more relaxed look, eyes averting back towards the chopping board. "It's not like that." She explained. "I just…" She wanted to mention the carrots, but hesitated and found herself puzzled when she realized that that wasn't exactly the first thing that came to mind. _Their bond._ She thought.

While Mikasa knew her heart could only have so much room, and that she could only care so much but for some reason… she wanted to… help their bond? Was that it? Mikasa didn't understand, nor could she articulate it. They were practically strangers to her, her superiors that is. Comrades and maybe acquaintances at most. So why did she care so much?

Or was she longing for something she didn't completely have? So, she lent a hand to someone who had _it_ ; that was in his reach? Was it pity? A moment of compassion? Granted, Levi's tea predicament appeared to be trivial and wasn't the most important thing to solve, but still… she…

Why was she trying to preserve or rather, help a bond that wasn't hers? She was already struggling with her own.

Because, sure, that emerald-eyed man did care about her… but sometimes, his worrying fixation of titans blinded him and not to even mention those _damned_ voices—

" _I'll wrap that scarf…!"_

Or… maybe not.

Mikasa didn't know anymore. And sometimes it felt like she didn't know _him_ anymore.

And as more time went by, _'sometimes'_ became _'most times'_.

It was awful.

Because even if she was physically near him, loneliness still loomed over and consumed her whole from time to time.

_Why… was that?_

…

 _ **What am I to him?**_ _What is she to him? What is he to her? What is she to her? What is he to him?_ —she never dared let these thoughts even linger in her head too long whenever she noticed a bond. (It wasn't like Mikasa was stalking them, or anything. She just happened to… notice. And sometimes, she noticed a little too much. Those bonds. She didn't mean to, really. It just happens. And sometimes, she would extend a hand to them if it didn't trouble her all too much. She didn't understand nor know why.)

While Mikasa wasn't completely great at understanding her own feelings and articulating them, she…

"You just…?" Sasha prompted.

"…I just didn't want to eat mashed carrots." Mikasa nodded towards the orange mush.

"Mashed carrots?! W-What are you—" and that's when Sasha noticed, her face paling in horror. "AHHH OH NOOOOOO!"

While Sasha's panicking was frankly distracting and disturbing, Mikasa's mind found itself forcing more burdensome questions and thoughts in her mind. It was irritating, because she didn't like how not only were they unanswerable, but how they left her with even more questions.

For one thing, she couldn't help but think if he was ever like that—like that indecisive shortass. If he ever thought about the people surrounding him, and if he did, why did he still run so far away? Even when they were kids, sometimes he…

_In the present, that singular thought of him being so far had never been so excruciating relatable and true, it was awful._

_Awful. It was horridly, achingly awful._

… As for her, she did, sometimes. She thought too much, sometimes… most times, about the people she cared about… about him.

After all, she lo—

**.**

**.**

**.**

There had been another time Mikasa chanced upon a more intimate moment between them. Though, not in the kitchen this time.

It wasn't like she was trying to purposely intrude; much less be a nosey busy-body.

Why the world decided to have her have all these coincidences, witness all these things and understand some of them (but not all) was a mystery to her.

Though, she couldn't decide if it was a cruel thing or not. Not just for her, but for them too.

That particular day, she had set out the moment the sun started to set. The sky turned orange. Despite lectures and protests from her friends, she decided to go retrieve some firewood by herself since they were running out.

And that's when she saw them, looking exhausted as they just finished what appeared to be a spar

She had heard Captain Levi and Hanji had left earlier in the day to settle some things; she didn't expect them to be sparring, fighting one another in a hand-to-hand combat. Then again…

They were no longer fighting just titans.

That was when she saw Levi approaching her, probably murmuring some sarcastic remark given how Hanji had jolted at that, shooting him an exaggerated but comical offended look, then looking up to him—to only find him so close. His hand reached out, removing something that looked like a leaf off of her bushy hair.

Whether it be the sun or not, this fact remained: their cheeks were red. Redder than the sun could ever be.

Mikasa turned away for the sake of privacy, out of respect.

She decided to head elsewhere, towards north to find another place for chopping wood. She didn't see what happened next; it didn't concern her. Not at all.

But she couldn't help but think, as she clasped the red scarf tied around her neck tightly, how close they were together.

 _It must be nice_ , she sighed. _All I want is to be by his side and yet, he… he's always moving further away from me…_ She looked up at the sky. _To some faraway place, out of my reach…_

_And that scares me._

It scared Mikasa, to ever come to terms with this _frustrating_ voice in her head that would from time to time remind her that both his fate and death were tied together; that it was an inescapable fate. It scared Mikasa, how that same voice grew more foreboding as more time went by, rivalling the harsh winters ahead of them.

It scared Mikasa, that haunting voice…

_From a distance, she hears a warm voice calling out to her with much worry._

She dropped the axe in her hand. Her legs started to grow weak. Everything started to spin.

' _Mikasa…? Mikasa! Oi! Hey!'_

Her vision began to blur.

_He catches her before she could collapse. 'I already told you to… Oi! Mikasa! Stay with me!'_

_Everything starts to darken, everything starts to fade and Mikasa hates it because unlike that haunting voice, his sounds like home. She wants to hear him call out to her again because she doesn't know when would be the last time. She wants to hear him say those words again._

_Stay with me._

_Oh… don't you see?_

_I want to. I really want to. But you're making it so difficult…_

_Please,_ Eren _, come home._

…

That voice, it scared Mikasa.

It scared Mikasa that one day, it might all be true.

Though, whether it was a good or bad thing, whenever those voices intensified, it triggered her headaches. Then all she heard were noises that were too inarticulate for her to make out. Maybe it was for the best, because a part of her didn't really want to know. Or maybe it was for the worse; maybe those voices had a point and was trying to warn her and not scare her.

Either way, it hurt. It all hurt. She wanted the pain to go away and had once nearly crossed the line in order to rid herself of that pain.

_However, after that incident at Hanji's office regarding those painkillers, Mikasa gradually learns that there are other ways to quell pain. Better ways, as compared to that bottle of temporary relief._

Needless to say, the things that voice said looked like it was going to become a reality, much to Mikasa's dismay. Because now, he was far away. So far. And she didn't even know what he was doing, or if he is still… _him._

_What am I to you?_

She wondered if that question meant anything to him at all, if her answer had meant anything or if some trifle or major things would've been different had she given a different answer.

She wouldn't know. Because till now, she was still searching for that answer.

_What am I to you?_

She couldn't run away from those questions, not anymore.

She desired answers. So desperately. For everything.

* * *

"Mikasa?" Hanji's called out when she noticed her spacing out.

"Do you want a sip?" She asked, passing the cup towards her direction. The scent of something that almost resembled _home_ started to diffuse into the air, surrounding her now. The only difference was the faint mint aroma.

"Levi said it helps you… relax." Hanji smiled, as if recalling something sweet.

Mikasa didn't respond.

"Mikasa?" Hanji called out again, frowning when she finally taken notice of her distressed look. "Is something the matte—"

" _What is he to you?_ " Accidentally, those words fell out her lips before she could even think twice.

An interrogation ensued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Originally, I wanted to post this yesterday. However, when I re-looked at it I decided to add some things, delete a few to only add them in the next and last chapter. Why Mikasa sprung that question ever so abruptly on Hanji will be explained in the next chapter; which will also (hopefully) show a mini bond forming between them wooo. I hope to explore Hanji's and Mikasa's growing friendship more in depth in the future!
> 
> Also here, I would like to apologise because I felt like I struggled describing and failed to fully and properly describe Mikasa's feelings in regards to the part of her wondering why she wants to help Levi and so on. Perhaps it is because I struggle in that aspect to after some stuff that had happened in my life. I don't want to go to deep into it. Basically, it's just that feeling where you want to help someone with their friendship with someone else not just because of your own consideration, but it's just a heartwarming feeling and like it's just nice and... idk man LOL it's hard to explainnn ;;; i hope you get my point HAHA
> 
> That aside, thank you for reading! Please Leave A Review, Constructive Criticism is Welcomed!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Mikasa doesn't /exactly/ find the answer she was looking for, she does feel more at ease.
> 
> Even Hanji who couldn't find her own answer, does not feel too uneasy; at least, for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT Note: This is a continuation from my other fanfic, "Pain, Pills and No Peace". It's somewhat of a series (?) about PLATONIC Hanji and Mikasa. In this fanfiction however, it'll also be about the bonds they have with other people. (Mikasa and Eren, Levi and Hanji). It will also contain some references from "Pain, Pills and No Peace", though you don't necessarily have to read it to understand the events occurring here.
> 
> -  
> Please read Author's END notes too.

**Disclaimer: I do not own Shingeki no Kyojin / Attack on Titan nor its characters.**

* * *

" _What is he to you?_ " _Accidentally, those words fell out her lips before she could even think twice._

_An interrogation ensued._

* * *

Mikasa tensed, realizing she had gotten a little _too_ ahead of herself. However, once those words left her lips, the first gear was already set-in motion; there was no turning back, no retracting back the question. For that question, upon verbalizing it had sparked something within her. Curiosity. The desire to understand, to comprehend, to wrap her head around what he had said to her before his abrupt departure.

Why had _he_ asked her such a question? Out of all people, why did it had to be _him_? Did he even know what that question meant to someone like her? And then why did he leave soon after? Did she give him the wrong answer? What if her answered had differed? It might not have changed Eren's decision completely, but it would've changed _something_ — and that would've been enough for her.

It would have changed something. _That_ was the most devastating part of it all.

Perhaps deep down in her heart, behind her barricade of denial, she knew the answers to all those whys. Or maybe she didn't. Or maybe it was because of the overwhelming accumulation of emotions that had built up in that singular brief moment that made her so… _confused?_

Was that the word? Mikasa didn't know.

What she did know, was that she was lost.

It was just too much. The emotions back then, and the emotions she felt now differed greatly. For the worse.

Now, she just wanted answers. She wanted to be spoon fed the answer to all these frustrating things circulating in her mind that had long been taunting and haunting her. She wanted the answer to all her questions to be slapped across her face, because no matter how brutal they could be, at least she would know something. Then maybe something would change.

_Or… was it too late?_

"…What are you talking about…?" Hanji queried, lost as to what Mikasa was referring to. The switch in the topic was abrupt, Hanji noted, unsuspecting of the sudden interrogation Mikasa sprung on her moments after. Little did she know the predicament this Ackerman would trap her in.

"What is Captain Levi to you?" Mikasa specified curtly, turning towards her direction in anticipation. That demanding, piercing look in her eyes was startling, even to Hanji who found herself taken aback by the change of her attitude. Yet, there was something in those same eyes that called for Hanji's sympathy; was it just a tinge of sadness? Or was it a dam waiting to break should Hanji give an answer that she did not want to hear. Either way, she appeared to be desperate.

Though, while Hanji noticed all these little things about the shift in Mikasa, her brain was still processing the question she had just asked. When it finally registered that she was referring to _Levi_ , her eyes started to blink nervously.

 _E-Eh?_ _W-What is she—_

The increasing intensity in Mikasa's eyes did little to nothing to ease her nervousness; evident by her excessive blinking when it finally hit her just what Mikasa meant.

"E-EHHH?!" She exclaimed, her eyes no longer blinking, instead they shifted around the room with much anxiousness. Looking everywhere _but_ the tea Levi had brewed for her. She couldn't bear to look at it, not when… "W-WHAT—"

The growing flush in her cheeks were enough of a signal to Mikasa that she must know something. Some sort of answer. Anything at all.

After all, that day when Eren had posed her with that question, her very own cheeks had the very same color.

"Is he a friend?" Mikasa pursued, standing up and moving closer to Hanji, who frankly found her boldness quite shocking in more ways than one. Rarely, did Mikasa ever act out, much less challenge her superiors. Unless, of course, it involved the people she held dearly in her heart.

And this involved _him._ Out of all people, it had to involve _him_.

 _She must know something…_ Mikasa thought. _Considering… that day in the forest…_

_The redness in Hanji's cheeks; whereby the sun wasn't the culprit._

She must've understood right? She must've understood something that Mikasa didn't and couldn't. Hanji was an intelligent woman who was older than her, leading Mikasa to conclude that she must have had some sort of… experience that brought about epiphanies of her own; epiphanies that Mikasa would never be able to have, at least not during this period of unrest and restlessness.

So, she must understand, right?

"W-Where is this com—"

"Or is he…" Mikasa hesitated, "… family?"

" _I'm not your kid brother"_ —He always said that, and while Mikasa never voiced it out loud, she never believed she ever intentionally treated him like a younger brother either. To her, yes, while he was family, the word 'family' in Mikasa's dictionary was entirely different from many others. Because to Mikasa, family just meant someone she could return home to.

 _Eren_ was someone she could return home to. Ah, his warmth, his comfort, his protection—Mikasa never would've guessed they were all fleetingly futile. Somewhere along the line, she had lost her way home… or, perhaps, her home just wasn't there anymore.

It was something Mikasa refused to acknowledge completely, or maybe at all.

" _What am I to you?"_ —however, that question he asked her demanded a different answer that he hadn't yet heard from her. By that time, Eren already had matured enough to understand what family meant to Mikasa. What he wanted to know then was what he meant to her; what made her bond with Armin and his different—after all, she had considered Armin family too. Armin was a part of her home, and she loved and cared for him deeply.

 _But_ she never looked at Armin the same way she had looked at him. She felt something for Eren, that was entirely different from what she felt from Armin. And that difference in emotion, was what Eren needed to hear.

But he didn't.

So yes. He was family. _But_ , he was also…

"F-Family?" Hanji stuttered, backing up a few steps when Mikasa cornered her. Her cheeks were burning, and she wondered how she ended up in this situation where a cadet was cornering her. _Was her authority in question? Heck, since when was Mikasa_ this _bold?_ Hanji didn't know nor could she understand whatever was running through Mikasa's mind that made her think asking something quite personal was an alright thing, not while she was enclosed in this uncomfortable, intrusive moment that she had found herself in. _Just what had been happening to this girl? First, it was the pills, and now…_

However, regardless of the events of the past that remained imprinted in Hanji's mind which had left her both concerned and confused about the Ackerman in front of her, that direct, confrontational question of hers caused her to be at a loss for words. It was one of those rare times where someone as chirpy and chatty as her was left so speechless, unable to find an answer or try to answer. Her brain and everything else were frozen. Needless to say, processing Mikasa's question was hard enough.

Processing the answer on the other hand, deemed to be a much more challenging task. It wasn't hard, it felt impossible—to Hanji, at least, in this panicked moment. Because it wasn't something her intelligence alone could solve by itself, or at all. That task, was the job of the heart—her heart, that Hanji found to be racing; just like the thoughts pacing about in her mind.

_What… is Levi to me?_

"Family… is not exactly it." Hanji mumbled, biting her lip. Oh, how she wished there was a textbook answer for her to use or reference. That would've made so much things easier not just for her, but Mikasa too. All of life's, or more specifically—the heart's complications could've been simplified. Unfortunately for the both of them, such a thing didn't exist. And that was how they found themselves in this predicament.

"Then?" Mikasa pushed. Evidently, the strong desire of hers for answers numbed her sense of awareness. For Mikasa was completely unaware of the boundaries she stepped, trampled on and crossed on Hanji's part. "Then what is he?"

"Is he something more?" Mikasa dared venture. Strange enough, Mikasa herself could feel her heartbeat's rhythm increasing the more she asked.

It seemed like the interrogation wasn't just directed at Hanji, but at herself too.

' _Family… is not it'_ —Mikasa somehow found herself resonating with those words. _Was Eren something more to her, too?_

"S-Something more?" Hanji stammered. She could've sworn she felt her heart nearly burst out of her cardiovascular system when she actually understood what she was implying by that question. The possibility of something more. The possibility of something beyond camaraderie between two veteran soldiers, beyond a long, tight and old friendship. The possibility of it all evolving into…

 _The forest._ That day. They had been _so_ close that day, physically speaking. However, whatever existed between them then and now had been closer, emotionally.

They did _not_ kiss, despite the perfect moment that had been graciously and generously presented to them in this horrid, cruel world. Despite both of them noticing the redness of their cheeks, both of them internally blaming the sun even though deep down they both knew the fault didn't belong to the orange glow in the skies but themselves.

The fault, in all actuality, was that both of them _did_ consider that same 'something more' Mikasa mentioned. At some point, that thought crossed both of their minds perhaps for a brief moment—or maybe even longer than either party would like to admit— for a few times or maybe more than either of them would ever admit out loud or even to themselves. That was why neither of them could tear away their gaze for the longest time; why those gazes of theirs contained immense and intense emotion in that moment that they had been keeping in for so long because both of them didn't know how to articulate it at all.

That was why both their cheeks were painted red.

The feelings they were developing then were mutual. Yet, neither of them made a move. Neither of them spoke of it ever again. Even when they were reminded of that day thanks to the innocent sun hanging in the sky, they said nothing. However, at least for Hanji… she would notice that same redness fading onto his cheeks when she was there with him, together being reminded of that wonderous day.

Then, she would notice how her cheeks had a similar shift in its color.

And like before, they internally blamed the sun despite knowing it was innocence. Though, if one of them dared to be bold that day, or was in the mood to be playful, they would poke fun at the other for the blush they had, even if they had the same exact one, for the same exact reason. Even so, that playfulness and teasing never went far. If it had, maybe Hanji could've given Mikasa the answer she needed to hear.

They didn't kiss then. Hanji didn't remember how long they stared at each other's eyes with such admiration and with such yearn even though they were right next to each other, leaning in closer with the excuse of wanting to get a clearer look of the other's eyes. Only when they were inches away from a kiss, did they stop. Hanji never knew why he didn't move any closer… it wasn't like she would have mind it.

Though, she didn't know why she didn't move any closer either; even when all this time, it was mostly her who initiated the closeness. The intimacy.

What Hanji did remember, was that when they headed back from the forest, they kept their hands intertwined till the very last moment.

They didn't kiss then and they hadn't kiss till now. While their lips didn't connect with one another then, their hearts did. And because it did, those feelings never stopped. It never died down. It grew, grew and grew until…

"T-That's—!"

The sound of a metal spoon clinking against a glass cup echoed from the surface, and along with the spiral of stairs, it spiraled down and echoed into room; an alert which Mikasa took, backing away from her commander who finally had some air to breathe.

Entering the room was the grumpy man who had another cup of the same tea he brewed in his hand, setting it down in front of Mikasa. At first, Mikasa had assumed he had thought Hanji would need more cups of tea to soothe her stress—it was the same cup of tea she had more or less taught him how to make back then, for one of the few remaining people he cared for.

That same person who he cared for, was still catching her breathe. It took her a few seconds to register that Levi was now in the room, in close proximity with her. Though there wasn't that scenery that would throw both of them back to reminiscing, a blush formed on her cheeks. This time, the fault partially rested on Mikasa's heavy question.

It was only when Levi nodded his head to her, did Mikasa realize that it was meant for her.

"You better not stay up too late, brat. You still have responsibilities tomorrow." And it seemed like that tea was served with a side of grumpiness; much to Mikasa's distaste. Though, when he turned to Hanji, something softened. It wasn't the tone, which at least to Mikasa remained stern and firm. It wasn't the look in his eyes, which matched his sternness, appearing strict. Though, Mikasa would preferably call it his signature agitating look.

But something softened. Perhaps she couldn't pinpoint what it was because what connection they shared was only between them. Though, she could feel it, and because she did, she felt like an intruder. An unwelcomed guest. She would leave if she could. However, Levi didn't give her time to.

"And _you._ " He nodded towards Hanji, whose head snapped up apprehensively, accompanied by a nervous chuckle. "Don't overwork yourself. You know the consequences."

Turning his heel, he left before either one of them could reply.

Mikasa slowly tilted her head downwards, her attention turning to that cup of tea for a moment, then to Hanji's own cup of tea. She then scoffed. A glance at the shade of the tea and a whiff of the aroma that slowly enveloped the air around them was enough to tell Mikasa that they were different.

While hers smelled like something she treasured from the past, Hanji's had this faint minty scent floating around. He had altered her drink to better suit her preference. It was something so trivial, so easily missed.

Something Mikasa was sure that someone like Hanji didn't miss.

Looking back up, she took notice of her commander's frazzled appearance. How tense her shoulders were. How it looked like a million questions ran through her mind after being confronted by one, brazen question: What is he to you?

"I'm sorry." Mikasa quickly apologized when she realized how many of Hanji's boundaries she trespassed. Bowing her head, she continued, "I apologize, I didn't mean to… interrogate you. I stepped out of lin—"

"I-It's fine Mikasa! Lift your head!" Hanji reassured, "Geez… springing crazy questions out of nowhere… that's my thing, you know! Next time, I'll give you a penalty!" She joked lightly; a frail attempt in lightening the atmosphere. "It's just… why ask me that I… I mean… what's going on, you know? To my knowledge, I don't see you have an outburst like that unless you were on the battlefield… but still… it's different… not to mention, that one time you wanted to numb your pain with a little too much of those pil—" Hanji had stopped herself when she saw her flinch, and she was considerate enough to cut straight to the point right after. "Is everything… alright?"

"It's just us two of us here now… if you don't need a commander breathing down your throat—then right here, right now… I'm just Hanji Zoe." She continued when Mikasa didn't reply immediately, and then smiled to reassure her even more. Her smile was warm.

And Mikasa found some solace in that warmth.

"…I… just… bonds are confusing." That was the summarized version. It would take more than a night for her to be able to properly articulate it all; her stress and distress—and not just about _that man_ , but the people around him who had been affected by his unexpected and unannounced departure. While he was someone important in her life that she treasured so dearly, her entire world didn't revolve solely around him. There was Armin too. Sasha, Jean, Connie and so on… every day, she could sense something changing within them. It wasn't just their emotions. It was more of… like each day, bits and pieces of the entire puzzle titled 'epiphany' gradually assembled. And it frightened her, about what that epiphany might be.

"…Is that all?" Hanji asked.

"It's… a part of the puzzle." Mikasa admitted. "Regardless, I shouldn't have… interrogated you like that. Whether you were my superior or just 'Hanji Zoe', it wasn't… a nice thing to do."

"Well… at least you know that! Sheesh!" Hanji shook her head, a small laugh following after as her arms crossed. Her shoulders started to relax once her back had leaned against the wall behind, providing support for her stance. "…But you know… what you said…"

When she trailed off for too long, Mikasa motioned for her to continue. "…What I said?" _Did she have an answer?_ Mikasa couldn't help but wonder, a little too hopeful.

"I cannot help but agree!" Hanji groaned, a hand brushing through her hair, before resting on her sore neck. "It's confusing, no— it's annoying! Irritating! All of it!" She exclaimed; her tone was no stranger to that of agitation as her eyes fixated on the cup of tea Levi had just given to her. Such menial, little gestures they had done for one another weren't the least trivial in Hanji's heart. It wasn't as if they hadn't acted on the rage of emotions swelling within them; albeit admittedly, it was only through subtle little things. Maybe that was why aside from those subtle actions they displayed for one another that garnered a sense of heartwarming feelings, it could sometimes be frustrating. Perhaps it was just her who felt that way—she was always the type to impatiently desire more after having a brush of something so addictingly beautiful.

Bonds were confusing, Hanji knew. Because no matter how close she was to him, no matter how much she knew—or rather, thought she knew about him…

Right now, she would not be able to know what was going on his heart. The matters of the heart were such a complicated thing that had intrigued the scientist every now and then, although she never exactly delved too deeply into it.

She couldn't.

How could she, without him?

Without him, who had yet to admit to anything; or to deny anything.

"I wish I could understand! But… I can't. For the most part, I can't." She sighed, facing Mikasa with a peculiar softness in her eye. "That's why… I can't give you an answer, Mikasa. I'm sorry. Even if I could… our predicaments are different, don't you think?" She smiled right after. It looked tired, but teasing. Regardless, it was enough to make Mikasa flinch and take a wary step back.

At this point, it shouldn't have surprised Mikasa that Hanji had figured who might be the person that forced all these questions unto her. It could _only_ be one person. It was so blatantly obvious. And yet, she found herself caught off guard; maybe slightly embarrassed, and then a tinge of guilt started to disperse within her.

After all… no one really wanted to talk about him, right? Even if they did, it was either uncertainty or resentment that left their lips. And the more days that went by without a message from him, without a word or anything, the worse words about him became.

Out of all people, the commander who had the most weight on her shoulders probably wouldn't want to talk about him. Mikasa should've known. She should've been more considerate. She wished she wasn't dying _so_ desperately for answers.

"… I'm sorry." Slowly, and with much sincerity, Mikasa bowed her head apologetically. "I shouldn't have… brought him— I… Let's just get—"

"It's okay." Hanji had cut her off, taking a swift step forward as her hand now found itself giving a pat on the ravenette's head. "You're human too, you know, Mikasa? Sometimes you remind me of him… he forgets it too…" She whispered the second sentence quietly, though to no avail Mikasa caught what she said. Despite that, she chose not to question it. Not after how she unintentionally cornered her; that _and_ Hanji's sudden head pat was enough to stun her with much surprise. "Nothing wrong with having emotions… even if it's selfish. I mean, humans can be like that…you know?" She continued, droning the last parts of it out.

Like many others, Hanji had some knowledge of the relationship Mikasa and Eren had. She wasn't exactly sure what it was, nor was she ever that interested given that her focus had been more directed towards the matter of science, and perhaps towards a certain person.

With that said, while Hanji did have… questions for Eren and had her own feelings towards the whole chaotic matter sparked by that Jaeger, she never held anything against those who still had faith and hope for that man. It wasn't like he had spiraled out of control or lost all his common sense and sanity, right?

_Right?_

Even she had some tiny ounce of faith that he had his own justifiable reasons for his abrupt, unplanned departure.

"… I have my own set of feelings towards him and what he did… but it's different. For everyone, it's different… we all see things differently. Regardless, whatever is in store for the future… I hope you won't be too blinded by emotion, no matter how difficult it may be." Her hand departed from her head, arms now crossing. "Logic tends to get watered down when there's too much emotion, it blurs the lines between rationality and irrationality… we're all no strangers of it."

Mikasa wondered if she referred to Armin.

She decided not to ask.

Or was she referring to something else? To someone else? Or was it about the possibility that the path that _he_ was on now, led to nothing but destruct—

 _ **No.**_ Mikasa stopped herself, a sharp pain suddenly piercing through her mind, shattering all its fragility. A hand of hers was quick to rise, pressed against her head to soothe it. _I mustn't think this way._

"Mikasa?" Hanji frowned, approaching her with concern when she appeared to be in pain. "Are y—"

"I'm fine…" Mikasa reassured, although the wince that came after she finished her sentence said otherwise. "… It's just very late. We should… finish this." Her free hand gestured to the table where notes were scattered, cluttered along with bits and pieces of mechanical parts they were yet to assemble or take apart.

"Ah… you're right." Hanji nodded. _Perhaps I had hit a nerve…_ She thought quietly, well aware that this was Mikasa's attempt at switching the topic. _Maybe—_

"…However… I understand what you mean." Mikasa muttered, her hand finally relaxing when the pain started to subside when a wave of past memories instinctively came washing in, acting as her own substitute painkillers. "If that happens… I will bring Eren back."

Hanji's eyes widened, because it was the first time Mikasa said his name verbally. She had thought voicing his name directly was something of a taboo; something too soon.

If it weren't for the determination and firmness in Mikasa's voice when she proclaimed her own promise to herself, Hanji might have mistaken her claim for something simpler—like physically dragging Eren back to Paradis to get a long, stern lecture by everyone he knew.

Mikasa didn't mean just that.

She wanted to bring _Eren_ back.

 _What a metaphor…_ Hanji thought, finding this trait of Mikasa's to be admirable in a way. "I'll count on you then, Mikasa."

"…And… one more thing."

"Hm?"

"…Help me thank Captain Levi later on, for this. I didn't get the chance to." Mikasa spoke, motioning towards the cup of tea Levi had made her. "You'll be… seeing him later, after this, right? For…" Her trailing off had given Hanji the wrong idea.

Hanji flinched. "E-Eh?" Surely, when she started to trail off, Mikasa Ackerman didn't think her and Levi saw each other later in the night to—

"That day I walked in your office to deliver things…" Mikasa mentioned, "Your expression… told me I wasn't the Ackerman you wanted to see." She smiled a little, while it wasn't meant to be teasing but Hanji couldn't help but feel teased in a way.

"I…I…" Hanji didn't even know how to respond, and eventually resigned. "I'll give him your thanks."

Mikasa nodded, taking a sip of her tea before placing it aside and away from the objects on the table that threatened its fall. Hanji watched as she arranged the necessary materials, and she went on her way to organize her notes before they were to resume the work.

Mikasa took a glance at Hanji, noticing her eyebags. "Are you tired… Commander?"

"…No." Hanji answered, with much hesitation that it was hard to miss. As the Commander, she still had duties and responsibilities to deal with. Frankly speaking, she didn't have the time to be tired. She barely even had time to sort out her personal life; it wasn't until Mikasa started to ask her about her relationship with Levi did she finally have some room to think about it—but alas, she didn't have an answer.

As the Commander, she had an image to protect. She couldn't present herself exhausted, at least not in front of her subordinates, the people who demanded answers and solutions from her day after day; looking to her as if she were some sort of machine. After all, any sign of flaws would result in scrutiny and an upheaval of worry from the people that Hanji just didn't want to deal with.

Perhaps it wasn't just the Ackermans who could sometimes forget that they were human, too.

"Ah, I see…" Mikasa murmured with a look of understanding that Hanji failed to catch, before continuing with much softness, "Then… are you tired, _Hanji_?"

Hanji paused, scoffed and then let out a little laughter. _This Ackerman, I swear…_

"Yeah… a little." Momentarily, she placed her notes down. "What about you, Mikasa?" She asked back, with a softness akin to Mikasa's.

"A little, but… it's… a little better than last time." Mikasa confessed.

"That's good to know." Hanji smiled, before taking in a deep breath. "Well then! Let's get back on track… so now…"

As they worked into the night, the atmosphere surrounding two differed. After that conversation the two women shared, the air between them was more comfortable, lighthearted even, with more laughs than seriousness throughout the entire process of figuring out the mechanisms (nonetheless, they did get work done).

Sharing a fraction of their vulnerabilities was unexpected to the both of them, especially during that heavy conversation. None of the two seemed to be troubled about it though; about opening up.

"Have a good rest, Mikasa." Hanji wished, after insisting that Mikasa leave first and let her clean the remaining mess up (given that she practically caused most of it). After fighting back more than a dozen of Mikasa's refusal to leave, given that she wanted to offer her help, she finally caved in.

"Alright…Have a good rest, too..." Mikasa paused momentarily, letting a brief silence fade in and dance around the two women; departing only when a faint smile appeared on Mikasa's face, accompanied by her soft features. "…Hanji."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update! A lot of crazy things happened in my life recently.
> 
> That aside, I hope you enjoyed this! And hopefully, the ending was satisfactory (I struggled with how to end this mini story haha!) Originally, it ended differently but something just didn't feel right. After much thinking and mulling over it, I felt this was a better way. I did want the ending to have a sneak peek of a possible "Extra Story" where Levi meets with Hanji separately right after this conversation to have another conversation, and where another particular person meets with Mikasa right after too. However, ending it with Mikasa referring to Hanji as Hanji felt better ya know? As for that possible "Extra Story", no promises it will be out anytime soon (I did write a bit of it already, but it's not ready to be out and given my hectic life, I don't want to make any empty promises about its release date if any of you do look forward to it!)
> 
> Once again, apologies for the delay and I hope the ending was alright! And I do hope the characters here did remain in character!
> 
> Please leave a Review! Constructive Criticism is welcomed.
> 
> Oh! And do feel free to let me know what you want to see from this blossoming friendship; perhaps it would give me some ideas for future stories~

**Author's Note:**

> This had been in my drafts for the longest of times because I didn't know how to end it. While I wouldn't say I am satisfied with the end, it's... somewhat there. I really like to explore Mikasa and Hanji together, and the (platonic) relationship they could have had with one another since they are two of my favorite characters in SnK. While I will admit that in this and maybe the other fanfic may not have solely delved deeply into their relationship and friendship, I like to take things slow for this, you could say? Subtle actions and all. I mean, this was an unplanned series after all and I'll only ever write this if I hit a writer's block for my other ongoing fanfics haha. 
> 
> That aside, there will be 3 chapters in total. I will upload them as soon as i can, at least once a week since all that's left is to edit it a bit.
> 
> Thank you for reading this, and Please leave a Review! Constructive criticism is welcomed.


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